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Norfolk Section
The Britannia and Castle		      

Baboons and Bowls   Be Careful   Coma   Deathbed Confession   Did You Hear About The Irish crook and the Irish Army Major      Hooray for the idiots   Howlers   Irish Plane Crash   Look at the tits on this!   One for CBOTB   Q1 Solomon   Q2 Elizabethan Age events   Secrets of Eternal Youth   Terrible Jokes   The Sons

QUESTION 1
What do you know about Solomon?
Click here for the answer.
QUESTION 2
List notable events of the Elizabethan Age.
Click here for the answer.

HOORAY FOR THE IDIOTS
It's that time again. They are finally out. You all know about the Darwin Awards - an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
Here's the latest winner: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an aeroplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. The prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location established this. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
With thanks to Chris J Davis, Austin-Healey Club.

COMA
A pregnant Irish woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months she wakes up, sees she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies: 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh, no, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor: 'Well, what's the girl's name?'
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

DEATHBED CONFESSION
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
'My darling Susan,' he whispered.
'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have something I must confess to you.'
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied, 'That's why I poisoned you.'

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT:
The Irish crook who turned himself in hoping to get a reward !

The Irish Army Major who resigned after he received a letter marked 'Private'?

NEWS - THE PLANE CRASH
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred this evening when a 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

THE SECRETS OF ETERNAL YOUTH
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,' she said. 'What's your secret for a long happy life?'
'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he said. 'I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise and do pills on the weekend.'
'That's amazing,' said the woman, 'how old are you?'
'Twenty-six.'

THE SONS
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
'My son was born on St George's Day,' commented the Englishman, 'so we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence,' remarked the Scot. 'My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.'
'That's incredible, what a coincidence,' said the Irishman. 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake.'

TERRIBLE JOKES
Received by e-mail from a subscriber who'd better remain anonymous!
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, 'Is this some kind of joke?'

  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 'Pint please, and one for the road.'

  • Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
    The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much.
    The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

HOWLERS
Some students think that if you don’t know the answer, marks might be gained by making the examiner smile. This issue has more gems from Maj Fred Thompson, a D-Day PARA. eg
Q. ‘Name 3 kinds of blood vessels.’
A. ‘Arteries, vanes and caterpillars.’

Q. ‘Describe the circulation of the blood.’
A. ‘Blood flows down one leg and up the other.’

Q. ‘Explain the purpose of the skeleton.’
A. ‘The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat onto.’

Q. ‘Describe the parts of the human body.’
A. ‘The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.’ 

ONE FOR CBOTB*
The Norfolk Editor has located the slip of paper which landed on his dining table, following a loud explosion, on 25 Dec 01:
Question - 'Why do cows have bells?'
Answer - 'Their horns don’t work!'

* Charlie Baker of The Band
See CBOTB 2002.

BABOONS AND BOWLS
A 2 R Anglian Coy were training in The Gambia, West Africa and one officer struck up a rapport with a local Headman who had been extremely helpful with granting permission for access to the locality for training.
The young officer asked if he could offer something in return for his kindness.
The Headman said: 'Yes, bowls!'
So a few, possibly quite a few, stainless steel bowls were handed over.

Later, the QM asked the reason for the deficiency in the number of bowls returned.
The explanation that the baboons had taken them was plausible and believed, especially when corroborated by the CSM.
Much later the QM asked the CSM to again confirm the reason for the loss of the bowls.
Before he could start, the QM said: 'That young officer couldn’t lie. He came and told me that he had given them away!'

(Hover your mouse over the upper graphic opposite for a clue!
The tale was told by Maj David Whitehead, now CEO Norfolk ACF - the said CSM !)
Afternote Dec 03: Maj SPB 'Jim' Badger died suddenly in Dec 03. Click here for his obituary.

I'm a Badger. The name is Jim! Seen any bowls?

Seen any bowls worth pinching?

ANSWER TO QUESTION 1
What do you know about Solomon?
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
ANSWER TO QUESTION 2
List notable events of the Elizabethan Age.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

BE CAREFUL
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
The man replied, 'Just doing what you said Doctor: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." '
The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.'

Editorial Rule
To qualify for inclusion there is only one rule - something described must have been said to have happened.
The authority is the Editor, British Army Review No 114 Dec 96, `If the facts don`t fit the legend, print the legend’.
Rule Britannia!

Site edited and maintained by Major JL Raybould TD
Editor, Norfolk Section, The Britannia and Castle
B&C Norfolk Editor