Funnies - Extracts from Issue 97 Dec 01

Facts and Funnies

Norfolk Section
The Britannia and Castle

QUESTION 1
Where did Moses lead his people?
Click here for the answer.
QUESTION 2
Which mountain did Moses ascend?
Click here for the answer.

INEBRIATED
In the 1960s, a young RAF Pilot Officer has his maximum intake of 3 pints of Watney's Red Barrel in the WOs and Sgts Mess with his Duty Sgt. Proceeding to the RAF Station Guard Room he sees an elderly LAC, who, judging by the shadow of 3 stripes on his tunic, had once been a Sgt.
Young Officer asks: 'What would you do if a person, obviously drunk, approached the gates?'
Without hesitation, the wise old LAC replies: 'I'd help him to his feet, Sir, and escort him to the Officers' Mess!"

MEMORIES
Two old soldiers had been very good friends for many, many years. They now lived in a Royal British Legion home.
One evening as they sat down to watch TV one said to the other: ''Look I know we have been comrades all these years, but suddenly I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is.''
The other chap sat in silence for over two minutes until he at last replied: ''How soon do you need to know?''

HOWLERS
Some students think that if you don’t know the answer, marks might be gained by making the examiner smile. This issue has more gems from Maj Fred Thompson, a D-Day PARA. eg
From Maj Fred Thompson, a D-Day PARA.
Q. How can milk be kept from going sour?
A. Keep it in the cow."

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight cuspids, two molars, eight cuspidors and eight canines.

Q. List some facts about the Ancient Greeks.
A. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

DOG ON SAFARI
Brian P Moss, an old Zambia hand, sent a tale (ho!):
A man decided to go on a safari in Africa taking his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks: "I'm in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly: ‘That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?’
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and it slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew’, says the leopard, ‘That was close. That dog nearly had me.’
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says: ‘Monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine.’
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks: ‘What am I going to do now?’
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, ‘Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!’

SIGN HANGING BY A BAR
If you are drinking to forget please pay in advance. CBOTB

WOMEN ACHIEVING EQUALITY
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms Walters approached one of the women and said: 'This is marvellous, can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?'
'Land mines,' said the Kuwaiti woman.

ANSWER TO QUESTION 1
Where did Moses lead his people?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

ANSWER TO QUESTION 2
Which mountain did Moses ascend?
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

TERRIBLE JOKES
Received by e-mail from a subscriber who'd better remain anonymous!

‘I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.’
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything'.

WW2 Facts from Heather Raybould in Canada:

Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill, who made a big show of it, and Gen Patton who had himself photographed in the act.

Bill ‘Ace’ ‘Lofty’ Seymour asked if we knew about the familiar term: ‘taking the pee’?
It originated among British Armed Forces personnel and anyone wishing to appear intellectual would use the medical term and say: ‘Extracting the micturation.’ This was eventually abbreviated to ‘Taking the micky’ and thus became acceptable in polite company!
But see Eurospeak in B&C 99 Dec 02!

ABOUT FLEMIMG
His name was Fleming, a poor Scottish farmer. While trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. Dropping his tools he ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. 'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's son came to the door of the family hovel. 'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked. 'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man of which we will both be proud.'
And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the best schools and in time graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years later, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

ABOUT SUEDE SHOES
The Telegraph, 6 Aug 01, obituary for Sir Martyn Bartlett Bt, who died on 1 Aug 01, aged 81, included: ‘In 1940, after Sandhurst, Bartlett was commissioned into The Coldstream Guards but was dismissed for arriving late on Morning Parade, direct from a night club, wearing suede shoes.’

ABOUT BROWN SHOES
On his Commissioning Course at The Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst, Lt Col Miles M Green was espied by CSgt Proctor of The Black Watch (‘The Poison Dwarf’) wearing a pair of ‘Cobbly Wobblies’. The background needs explanation. On his first ever TA weekend out in the field with 6 RANGLIAN in 1973 the Regimental chronicler, JR Libald, shared an ambush site with Miles Green. We crawled into position by the bailey bridge on Stanford Training Area, the frozen nettle stalks snapping in the sub-zero temperature. On the right is a 2001 photograph of the location. To see more of the River Wissey click here.
We lay for hours waiting for the ambush to be sprung then gave up and slowly retreated across the bridge. At that moment the enemy opened up with bursts of automatic fire so we legged it, illuminated by schermulies and verey flares. Miles caught his foot in a trip flare wire we had forgotten. The faster he ran the more the flaming pot wrapped itself round his foot. Next parade night in Norwich, the PSI, CSgt Ben Turner conned him into exchanging that slightly singed pair of 1942 Army ammunition boots for a pair of Cobbly Wobblies (Boots, Arctic, soles double). At Endex Ben Turner asked the chronicler to return to a ruined house by the bridge and retrieve a yard of cam net hanging from a tree. In due course this sample was exchanged with the late QM Danny Bebbington for a 12' x 12' net! Those Cobbly Wobblies were later to cause Colour Sgt Proctor of the Black Watch, Drill Instructor at The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, so much grief. Firmly anchored by the boots and swaying to attention in a stiff wind on the Parade Square at Sandhurst, elevated by the boots to a height towering above the Poison Dwarf, Miles was informed: 'Ye'll no come on ma parrrade in them boots. Have ye no shoooes Misterrr Grrreeen?' Miles is the only Officer Cadet ever to complete the Parade Ground element of the Sandhurst course in shoes brown. Then he conned the Band to play 'On Ilkley Moor Baht At' when we marched off at the Commissioning parade!
Later, Miles was well known for his 'Back of Fag Packet' Accounting.
Right, Miles Green puts up a smoke screen before beating a tactical retreat on the approach of an Accounts Ledger.

Click here for a view - and the sound - of Miles Green performing his inimitable solo on the bagpipes

Click photographs to enlarge

Site edited and maintained by Major JL Raybould TD
Editor, Norfolk Section, The Britannia and Castle
B&C Norfolk Editor