PADDY TALES

THE FAMOUS IRISH GUESSING GAME
One player leaves the room and the others have to guess which one of them has left !

THE IRISHMAN
He bought a paper shop. It blew away!

The Irishman who went to the dentists to have a wisdom tooth put in!

The Irish high-powered executive who had a tall secretary for longhand, a short secretary for shorthand, and a midget secretary for footnotes.

THE PLANE CRASH
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

THE DAUGHTERS
There's an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: 'I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked.'
The Scotsman says: 'That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank.'
With that the Irishman says: 'Both of you have nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy.'

THE SONS
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
'My son was born on St George's Day,' commented the Englishman, 'so we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence,' remarked the Scot. 'My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.'
'That's incredible, what a coincidence,' said the Irishman. 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake.'

COMA
A pregnant Irish woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months she wakes up, sees she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies: 'Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself: 'Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor: 'Well, what's the girl's name?'
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

PADDY - FROM GWYN BUTTON
‘Dad, I need an encyclopaedia for school tomorrow.’ ‘Son, you’ll go on your bike as usual.’.

‘Dad, how do I tell if a man is gay?’
‘Son, give him a kiss. If he closes his eyes then he’s gay. If he closes your eyes he’s not.’

TIES IN TIPPERARY
It is custom and practice at the Norfolk Editor’s Watton Rotary Club to wear outlandish ties. A while ago he was in Tipperary, a time-warp town extreme. (Returning via the home of Geraldine McSweeney, a lass from County Cork, she exclaimed: ‘Why? No one ever goes to Tipperary!’) Spotting an old-fashioned draper’s shop he went deep into the recesses and found boxes of 1950s ties. A most awful specimen was presented to the elderly shopkeeper. It received the apologetic comment: ‘Sir, we have much better ties.’ Explaining the reason for purchasing the disgusting object she agreed it met the criterion! As expected, the Norfolk Editor was fined at the next Watton meeting for his lack of taste.

REDCOATS
From Ian Shaw in Caston: A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taken to their headquarters a French General began to question him. The French General asked: ‘Why do you English wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?’
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason the English wore red is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

WALTER JAMES CHUBBOCK'S JOB AS A COY RUNNER IN WW1
Ivan Chubbock of Shipdham related to the Norfolk Editor about his father Walter who was a Norfolk Regt Company Runner in WW1. Some of the orders he carried were plainly ludicrous so he changed them!

THE CHECK UP - from Mef in Botswana.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him: 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked: 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?'
'Oh no', I replied, 'I've never done either.'
Then he asked: 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said: 'No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?' he asked.
'No I don't,' I said.
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?'
'No,' I said, 'I've never done any of those things.'
He looked at me and said: 'Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ?'

THE RETIREES - from Ben Turner
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other: 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in: 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE - PAINT IT ! One of the erstwhile 2003 Erection XI and Britannia Trio, Ray Segon, told a tale about paint. (See B&C 94 Jun 00 concerning his tale of meeting the late RSM Gillie Gilchrist when tasked to paint some oil drums in Hong Kong while serving with 1 R Norfolk).
A National Serviceman accidentally spilled the best part of a gallon of white paint on the tarmac near the Guard Room. Thinking quickly, he converted the huge splash into a square. Years later he was passing the barracks and called in. There, freshly painted, was the white square!

PITY THE PIGEONS
The obituary for David Williamson, a genealogist at Burke’s and Debrett’s, by Hugo Vickers in The Independent 9 May 03, included: ‘Unfortunately, Burke’s attracted maverick editors such as LG Pine. I recall him getting a sound heckling at Eton when he addressed a group of 16-year olds on the subject of blood sports. He listed all the sports he hated. A lone voice in the audience appended ‘clay pigeons’ to a suitable roar from raucous supporters!’

REPORTING SICK AND EXCUSED SHORTS
We have all heard of being ‘excused boots’ or ‘excused PT’. Have you ever heard of anyone being ‘excused shorts’? After a rehearsal for the Almanza Day parade in 1953/4 poor Andrew Herbert, son of the then Bishop of Norwich, was excused shorts. No, not G&Ts and the like, but shorts, khaki, drill. Being a natural redhead and due to the length of time on parade Andrew was the victim of badly sunburned knees! (From Tom Styles, previously published in B&C 88 Jun 97.) For more on shorts, the alcoholic type, see below.

QUESTION
Q. What’s another name for coffee?
A. Break fluid.

B&C 101

An Irish boss is a man who is early when you’re late and late when you’re early.

Gwyn Button has a lovely garden. 'Madge does a great job with it.’

1. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese  ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

2. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing it. Worse yet, tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

3. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.

B&C 101

COMMUNICATIONS - ONE
Below is the radio conversation between a US Navy ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's 15 degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.
B&C 101

Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge Device called B.O.O.K.

Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus

A FURRY FUNNY
From Soldier magazine 2003 ‘Mascot status sought for 1 POW's pet ferrets’.
The heat is on for The Prince of Wales’s Own Regiment of Yorkshire’s ‘Operation Mascot’ campaign team, tasked to put forward a case to gain the battalion’s new pets, a pair of ferrets, official recognition as Army mascots.
The presence of ferrets in 1 PWO’s history can be traced back to well before WW1 when they were kept by many soldiers as working pets. It has been ten years since the Bn last officially kept a pair and despite an April Fool story which appeared in the Apr 1990 edition of Soldier, the ferrets have never been granted mascot status.

The new arrivals, named Imphal and Quebec after two battle honours, were rescued from a range at Catterick Garrison.
Their overall well-being is the responsibility of the Regimental Ferret Major, an honorary position which has fallen on the very capable shoulders of WO2 (RQMS) Steffan Morton. General day-to-day care for the animals is the privilege of the Drums platoon.
WO2 Morton, a ferret fan, said: ‘When they arrived with us in Northern Ireland we made a few phone calls to get them officially registered but found that it is quite a complicated process. We really would like to see them receive mascot status, assume the rank of private, get a regimental number and be added to the ration run. Promotion prospects for the pair will depend on their behaviour at parades and performance at rabbiting when a licence has been obtained.’
It appears that the issue of regimental mascots is a highly sensitive one and decisions on the matter are staffed as high as the Army Board. A spokesman for the Army Honours and Distinctions committee, explained: ‘A formal review of mascots was conducted in 1953 and only five regiments since the war have been granted approval for their beasts to become official mascots. Today, just ten regiments in the British Army have mascots. It is a privilege jealously guarded by those who have it. Many people misuse the term mascot. There is a huge difference between a pet and a mascot. Pets are good for morale and anyone can have one but not every regiment can have a mascot. In initiating the 1953 review, the Adjutant General directed that all requests for a regimental mascot were to be considered according to the principles that it must be appropriate, have a definite symbolic connection, and be a permanent feature in the ceremonial life of the regiment. These principles still hold good today.’
B&C 101

WO2 Steffan Morton exercises his newest charges, Imphal and Quebec